Unexpected Free Wireless

Boarding all rows. I could get in line. Or I could sit here until the battery in my computer dies.

Last night, we finally drank the champagne that's been sitting in the fridge. It might not have seemed like a champagne-worthy occasion-there were no birthdays, no anniversaries, no holidays, no weddings, or engagement. Only a few friends hanging out and talking.

But they were the friends I don't get to see too often for some unexplicable reason. And I like them and it was very nice.

I can't think of a better reason to drink some champagne.

Various thoughts on a return to Dubai.

I don't know when it happened, but I think I may have become a rather radical feminist. More on this later. My brain is a jumble of possibly related thoughts on women, leadership, filmmaking, grad school, and the wonderful state of Dubai. It is a bit of a spiderweb.

I am nonetheless enjoying the mental exercise, trying to make my brain solidify connections that I know exist. I can feel them, but I can't see them. Which might be precisely the point in the first place--to trust instinct, to not force the rationalization. It's quite a conundrum.

I've been thinking a lot about this. (What is "this" you ask? Yes, I realize I'm being vague.) About being a woman and a filmmaker. About what that means. And well, quite honestly, how it works. Someone, I don't remember who, once remarked to me that the women they knew in the business were more like the men then the men.

This frightens me a lot.
Because I see it.

And well, I like being a woman.

Notice to Suitors.

If you propose, please do not buy me a diamond ring. Diamonds make me feel icky.

Insects.

Dead bugs are just as pretty as live ones.


A while back, Robin and I went to the Everglades and had a glorious time. We probably still have the mosquito bites to prove it. I've never before felt like my life was in danger from insects, but at one point they literally had us running away. I felt like Pooh bear running away from a beehive. Only I never got any honey.


If you have not been, please go visit. It will make me happy. The park is huge and beautiful--and it was nearly deserted. One of the visitor's centers is practically abandoned. It was wrecked in a hurricane a few years back and remains mostly out of use. (No restaurants or gift shops!!)



Most of the parks other guests were from faraway exotic lands (like Canada) and not from Florida. Except for the people with boats... I digress. My point is: it disappoints me that there are so many people from Florida who have never been to the Everglades. People who have lived here their whole lives.

As I find myself in this state a little longer than expected I've begun to think about these things--the culture, the community, the environment--of Orlando and of the state.

There are beautiful things here I think. If we appreciate them, maybe they will stick around.

Skydiving.

I jumped out of a plane the other day. It was quite nifty. I want to write a poem about it, but I am tired, so I will not.

It feels like it didn't happen.

I would be happy if I could wake up and jump out of a plane to start the day.

A few last words on Baker.

So, as per usual, I've been absent from my blog for awhile. Clearly, I am terrible at this stuff. A lot has happened. I've started writing a few entries over the past couple months. Each time I've thought better of it before posting them. I get started writing, and I think...well maybe the less said the better. I didn't (don't) want to place blame or make excuses.

But I wanted to write something still. What has it been really, but a learning experience.

I quit a job after the second day of shooting. Uncharacteristic, I know.
It was surreal-- the moment when I realized I was actually going to give up. I really wasn't expecting that.

I've tried to explain why it happened the way it did quite a few times now. I don't think the explanation has been the same twice really. I always wonder what the people on the other side of the situation say. What reasons do they give? Perspective is a very interesting thing. I will admit, my perspective on the whole thing has changed nearly every day. It's a never-ending philosophical conundrum.

Let it suffice to say, the whole thing was rather complicated in scope and just when I think I've got a handle on all the what and why, I think of something else and it's all blown to shit. Basically. Who the heck knows. (I totally just typed fuck there and deleted it. Damn gripping, turns me into a potty mouth.) Its nobody's fault, and its everybody's fault, and it doesn't really matter.

I am much happier now.

Just another one of the many reasons I love Pittsburgh.

I recently went on a bit of a road trip to see a Pittsburgh Penguins hockey game. We drove three hours there, watched the game, and then drove the three hours home. It was more than worth the drive (and not just because we won). Here's why:

The Penguins currently play in the NHL's oldest arena. They have been trying to get a new arena for years, with no luck. This year several cities have made unbelievable offers to the team. The owners held out though, and today they finally reached a deal. Even though the money might not be as good, the Penguins will stay in Pittsburgh.

So it's a nice day to be from Pittsburgh. Capitalism's got a bit of a soul after all.

The thing I wrote a long time ago.

I wrote this a long time ago (re: January-ish) in response to President Bush's speech about his new plan to increase troop levels in Iraq.

First, he reminds me to be afraid. I want to scream. I want to see the new plan without fear coloring my vision. I want to measure it carefully and logically, but now I’m scared, and not just of terrorists. I’m afraid of being lied to and manipulated.

He is praised for newfound humility. I am skeptical. I long for deeper honesty. The honesty to admit that simple desire, or even seeming necessity, does not make success inevitable. The humility to admit that there are fights that may not be winnable, mistakes that cannot be perfectly fixed. That would be real humility, but we are, for better or worse, a proud people.

Resignation sinks in. I have not enough information. I don’t know how two hundred or twenty thousand more troops will change the fight. I have guesses and suspicions but no real knowledge. So I am left with this new plan that seems not very new at all, and I have no concrete reasons to agree or disagree, only an overwhelming sense of helplessness and unease. And I have sadness, that although our president may bear the responsibility, he will not be among those who bear the costs.

"So, Alix....What are you going to do now?"

I am glad my friend Tiina is back. It changes a lot of things—more than I thought it would. I haven’t seen her much, but already life seems a good deal easier. I’ve been thinking about why that is, and also I’m about to graduate, so of course I’m taking a bit of a retrospective look at the last few years. It’s odd to think about who my friends were when I started college—and even odder to think about who I was then. I’ve changed a lot I think. More than most people realize.

I’ve been doing interviews for a project recently, and I’ve asked a lot of people what it is that they want the most and what they value the most (and a lot of other questions that probably ought to be easy but are instead extraordinarily challenging). It’s fascinating to see how well people know themselves and how they perceive themselves. Sometimes I’ll get an answer and think “wow, that’s great. And it’s so true.” Or something along those lines. And sometimes…well. My guttural response is more like “Really? Who are you kidding?” I forget where I was going with this. Ah yes. This whole experience has got me thinking about what I’ve wanted…and what I’ve chosen to make important in my life.

I used to work on a lot of movies. In case you didn’t know. It wore me out, and I could be a little bitchy, but I loved it. (And I still do—don’t be deceived by my use of the past tense.)

I would find myself finishing a movie, or more likely a series of movies, anxiously awaiting the down time and happy to have a day to rest. And then, halfway through my nice lazy day, I would become horribly depressed. It makes sense really…when priority number one in my life was suddenly gone…how else would I feel? A perpetual cycle of intense occupation followed by existential crisis. What’s the point really?

There is a difference between putting other people first and putting other people’s movies first. It took me a long time and a lot of doctors to realize that. It’s been challenging, especially since I’ve often felt like I’m realizing it by myself. I want to make movies, I want to change the world, I want to be successful, I want to help people, but not so much as I want friends who are family.

I’ve had a lot of different friends come and go in the three and a half years I’ve been here. I wonder what they would all think if they heard my answers to the questions. I could probably put together an interesting timeline.

I don’t think that I used to think about what was important to me. I mean…there were things that were important to me, but I don’t think I consciously chose them. I chose without knowing what I chose or why I chose it. I’m sure I still do it, and maybe it’s not possible to really choose. But it’s nice to try.

As usual, I have ended in a place other than the one I started for. But such is my life.

Taking procrastination to a new level.

In a twisted turn of events, I have decided to start blogging again.
But not today.