"So, Alix....What are you going to do now?"

I am glad my friend Tiina is back. It changes a lot of things—more than I thought it would. I haven’t seen her much, but already life seems a good deal easier. I’ve been thinking about why that is, and also I’m about to graduate, so of course I’m taking a bit of a retrospective look at the last few years. It’s odd to think about who my friends were when I started college—and even odder to think about who I was then. I’ve changed a lot I think. More than most people realize.

I’ve been doing interviews for a project recently, and I’ve asked a lot of people what it is that they want the most and what they value the most (and a lot of other questions that probably ought to be easy but are instead extraordinarily challenging). It’s fascinating to see how well people know themselves and how they perceive themselves. Sometimes I’ll get an answer and think “wow, that’s great. And it’s so true.” Or something along those lines. And sometimes…well. My guttural response is more like “Really? Who are you kidding?” I forget where I was going with this. Ah yes. This whole experience has got me thinking about what I’ve wanted…and what I’ve chosen to make important in my life.

I used to work on a lot of movies. In case you didn’t know. It wore me out, and I could be a little bitchy, but I loved it. (And I still do—don’t be deceived by my use of the past tense.)

I would find myself finishing a movie, or more likely a series of movies, anxiously awaiting the down time and happy to have a day to rest. And then, halfway through my nice lazy day, I would become horribly depressed. It makes sense really…when priority number one in my life was suddenly gone…how else would I feel? A perpetual cycle of intense occupation followed by existential crisis. What’s the point really?

There is a difference between putting other people first and putting other people’s movies first. It took me a long time and a lot of doctors to realize that. It’s been challenging, especially since I’ve often felt like I’m realizing it by myself. I want to make movies, I want to change the world, I want to be successful, I want to help people, but not so much as I want friends who are family.

I’ve had a lot of different friends come and go in the three and a half years I’ve been here. I wonder what they would all think if they heard my answers to the questions. I could probably put together an interesting timeline.

I don’t think that I used to think about what was important to me. I mean…there were things that were important to me, but I don’t think I consciously chose them. I chose without knowing what I chose or why I chose it. I’m sure I still do it, and maybe it’s not possible to really choose. But it’s nice to try.

As usual, I have ended in a place other than the one I started for. But such is my life.