Changes Pt. 2

Today I rode my bike.

Now I am happier.

I started a new job yesterday. On my birthday. When the day was over I felt like this:

photo by Tiina Treasure

But in a good way. Don't be sad. There are worse ways to spend a birthday. And worse ways to feel than really freakin tired. It did, however, occur to me that I could potentially spend the next five weeks of my life being a little more sleepy than I would like.

That was yesterday. Today it has dawned on me that I actually feel better than I have in a long time. Healthy-like. Tired, aching muscles and all. This isn't the lethargic tired I'm used to; it's an I worked a long day and am actually tired tired. It's almost 10pm now. I got up at 7 and spent all day on set. Usually by this time my nuerons are snail-paced, my immuno-suppressed and nutrient-deprived body practically immobile. I've been exhausted for months. But I can deal with exhausted--especially if I'm actually well. So I'm renewing my goals for the summer. (Whoa.) I had this whole "Florida Bucket List" of things I wanted to do before I vacated the state, but those aren't the ones I mean. I mean these three. The three I thought I might have to give up to take this job.
1)Finish a draft of my feature script.
2)Shoot a movie (even if it's uber-short).
3)Finish the canvas that's hanging been hanging out in my bedroom for...well awhile.

God. I better get to work.

Changes.

Today I got my bike fixed. I like bikes. Practically and aesthetically.

I should be happier.

The library is Satan and I am Jesus in the desert.

Not really. It's just that the free and ready access to "The West Wing" on DVD is well....tempting.

I am frustrated by things that make me both happy and sad at the same time. These include:
The West Wing, Drinking, Blogging, Film, My house, Orlando, New York, People, and a lot of other things.

Okay...you get the idea. I'm a freakin basket case this week. I watched the episode "Women of Qumar" today. The one in which they strike a deal to sell weapons to the fictional nation of Qumar (Re: Saudi Arabia or nation with similar women's rights status...). CJ is upset because well "They beat their women" and the US stands by and does business with them, but she has to put on a good public face. There is a moment when Toby stands in the back of the briefing room as CJ, very casually, breaks the news of the treaty. They make eye contact and Toby puts his hands over his heart. It might be my favorite moment of the whole series. It's sad and beautiful and it breaks my heart.

I was walking home from downtown last night. It was late, the bars had all just closed, and nobody wanted me to walk home by myself. There's a house, maybe a block and a half from my place, that's always hopping. Pretty much whenever I walk by there are people there--out front or hanging out on the porch. Apparently 3am is no different. There were a couple guys sitting on the porch smoking cigarettes. Their dog came running up to me and they called him back. We didn't exchange greetings or anything. I was just past the house when I heard one of the guys say (I don't know whether he intended me to hear or not) "Why is she walking by herself?"

I wanted to scream or cry or hit something. I'm not stupid, and I'll f-ing walk home if I want to.

Sometimes your friends say brilliant things.

I just wanted to share this sentence with the world. Because it makes me happy, or is wise or true or something like that...

"Sex in moderation; reading in excess."

That's it.

Technology sucks but not really.

Today, for the first time, I hate my iphone. I want my email to go away. I want my internet to go away. The distraction and temptation destroys my self-control. I’m anxious. I obsess. I worry. I long for my brain to feel like my own. I’m giving myself a headache and a stomachache. Boo hiss.

Getting to know people is hard.

That's really it.

Shit.

Alix is more coherent than usual but her spelling still sucks.

Until recently I never updated my myspace or facebook status. I could never phrase anything in a satisfyingly clever way, so I would just leave it alone. But not this week. I’m full of one sentence declaratives. Alix is in love with rhinoceros—the creature AND the way they are simultaneously singular and plural. Alix is emotionally unprepared for the Red Wings to destroy los penguinos; she’ll cry if it happens. Alix wishes the graffiti in the Backbooth bathroom read “Chris Harris is a god” and not “Chris Harris is a dick.” Alix is writing a science fiction movie, but it’s going to suck because there will be no spaceships or wookies. And statements I would never ever post: Alix wants to eat, but doesn’t want to be sick. Alix has a stupid crush. Alix is depressed for no fucking reason. Alix wishes she’d had sex with someone she loved. Alix wants to quit her job and become a teacher… seriously.
I want to change my status every twenty minutes.

I don’t know why this is.

I’ve also been really friendly. Which I’m not usually. Not that I’m not friendly, just kind of anti-social. People make me nervous, so mostly I avoid them. There’s some really stupid train of logic (which ironically doesn’t actually make sense), but basically results in me not being good at talking to people and therefore not doing it. But I called some people I would normally think about calling, want to call, and then not call. Which is good but uncharacteristic.


It’s been an odd week. Good in a lot of ways. Little ways. I was creative—finished a few small art projects I’ve had hanging around for a long time. Got ribbon fries at the fair—they peeled the potato right in front of me and I jumped up and down like a little kid. Read some. Wrote some. Played the piano. A bad week in a few ways. Feeling crappy and wishing there was a fix that I could afford and/or would actually work. Kind of hating my job. Being scared for my friends. Terrified of moving—for the first time I love it here. And I don’t want to leave my friends.


I just feel a little odd.
Sigh.

Living in the Forest.

It is late. My brain is tired. My sentences will be short.

TV is strange. I miss my kitchen. And I would like to see the bear that everyone keeps telling me about.

Can't Get No...Democracy...

So....theoretically, I should have voted today. Tuesday January 15th. Michigan primary. But there was apparently a lot of failure going around.

First, I seem to have failed to request my ballot in time. It came yesterday. While I was hanging out in the woods. Nothing quite went as planned, but CMT called and I was there. I needed the money. Democracy sold for a pretty shitty day rate.

Not that it really matters except in principal. Everyone else seems to have sold out a long time ago. I can't say that I don't hold a grudge. I resent the candidates for participating in the disenfranchisement of voters. Obama and Edwards refusal to even put themselves on the ballot. Do you care more for party politics than for the voters? Let the party do what they like, but saying that any election date is more important than the political voices of every person in the entire state of Michigan is...well bollocks.

The party pisses me off. I won't get into it. It's stupid--on both sides.

But I don't see how disallowing, throwing out the vote is a suitable resolution for either group.

Here's a little background if that didn't make sense.

The Funny Version from The Detroit Free Press

The Other Still Good Version from the BBC


It probably still doesn't make sense.


I am an unhappy American.

Nail Polish.

The other day I was feeling a little melancholy and I decided to paint my toenails, because I sometimes do that when I'm sad.

And then I got an idea for a movie :)



I have not yet painted my toenails. I need to go purchase some filmstock...and some nail polish.

Brr.

Today I took a walk in the cold. It felt divine.

Also, I forgot it was the new year. Weird.

But now I've remembered so I'll talk about it. I've always thought that it comes at a strange time. It seems that New Year's should bring new things, but it never does. All the big changes seem to come at other times. I guess I struggle to see the changes at this time of year. Maybe it's from growing up in PA and Michigan--there was just as much snow and lack of sun in the new year as there was on December 31st.

I feel like I should be doing something drastic like moving. But I can't do that, so...
Maybe I should be more optimistic. That's it.

I dub 2008 'The year to make more art'.

I'll let you know how it goes :)

Unexpected Free Wireless

Boarding all rows. I could get in line. Or I could sit here until the battery in my computer dies.

Last night, we finally drank the champagne that's been sitting in the fridge. It might not have seemed like a champagne-worthy occasion-there were no birthdays, no anniversaries, no holidays, no weddings, or engagement. Only a few friends hanging out and talking.

But they were the friends I don't get to see too often for some unexplicable reason. And I like them and it was very nice.

I can't think of a better reason to drink some champagne.

Various thoughts on a return to Dubai.

I don't know when it happened, but I think I may have become a rather radical feminist. More on this later. My brain is a jumble of possibly related thoughts on women, leadership, filmmaking, grad school, and the wonderful state of Dubai. It is a bit of a spiderweb.

I am nonetheless enjoying the mental exercise, trying to make my brain solidify connections that I know exist. I can feel them, but I can't see them. Which might be precisely the point in the first place--to trust instinct, to not force the rationalization. It's quite a conundrum.

I've been thinking a lot about this. (What is "this" you ask? Yes, I realize I'm being vague.) About being a woman and a filmmaker. About what that means. And well, quite honestly, how it works. Someone, I don't remember who, once remarked to me that the women they knew in the business were more like the men then the men.

This frightens me a lot.
Because I see it.

And well, I like being a woman.

Notice to Suitors.

If you propose, please do not buy me a diamond ring. Diamonds make me feel icky.

Insects.

Dead bugs are just as pretty as live ones.


A while back, Robin and I went to the Everglades and had a glorious time. We probably still have the mosquito bites to prove it. I've never before felt like my life was in danger from insects, but at one point they literally had us running away. I felt like Pooh bear running away from a beehive. Only I never got any honey.


If you have not been, please go visit. It will make me happy. The park is huge and beautiful--and it was nearly deserted. One of the visitor's centers is practically abandoned. It was wrecked in a hurricane a few years back and remains mostly out of use. (No restaurants or gift shops!!)



Most of the parks other guests were from faraway exotic lands (like Canada) and not from Florida. Except for the people with boats... I digress. My point is: it disappoints me that there are so many people from Florida who have never been to the Everglades. People who have lived here their whole lives.

As I find myself in this state a little longer than expected I've begun to think about these things--the culture, the community, the environment--of Orlando and of the state.

There are beautiful things here I think. If we appreciate them, maybe they will stick around.

Skydiving.

I jumped out of a plane the other day. It was quite nifty. I want to write a poem about it, but I am tired, so I will not.

It feels like it didn't happen.

I would be happy if I could wake up and jump out of a plane to start the day.

A few last words on Baker.

So, as per usual, I've been absent from my blog for awhile. Clearly, I am terrible at this stuff. A lot has happened. I've started writing a few entries over the past couple months. Each time I've thought better of it before posting them. I get started writing, and I think...well maybe the less said the better. I didn't (don't) want to place blame or make excuses.

But I wanted to write something still. What has it been really, but a learning experience.

I quit a job after the second day of shooting. Uncharacteristic, I know.
It was surreal-- the moment when I realized I was actually going to give up. I really wasn't expecting that.

I've tried to explain why it happened the way it did quite a few times now. I don't think the explanation has been the same twice really. I always wonder what the people on the other side of the situation say. What reasons do they give? Perspective is a very interesting thing. I will admit, my perspective on the whole thing has changed nearly every day. It's a never-ending philosophical conundrum.

Let it suffice to say, the whole thing was rather complicated in scope and just when I think I've got a handle on all the what and why, I think of something else and it's all blown to shit. Basically. Who the heck knows. (I totally just typed fuck there and deleted it. Damn gripping, turns me into a potty mouth.) Its nobody's fault, and its everybody's fault, and it doesn't really matter.

I am much happier now.

Just another one of the many reasons I love Pittsburgh.

I recently went on a bit of a road trip to see a Pittsburgh Penguins hockey game. We drove three hours there, watched the game, and then drove the three hours home. It was more than worth the drive (and not just because we won). Here's why:

The Penguins currently play in the NHL's oldest arena. They have been trying to get a new arena for years, with no luck. This year several cities have made unbelievable offers to the team. The owners held out though, and today they finally reached a deal. Even though the money might not be as good, the Penguins will stay in Pittsburgh.

So it's a nice day to be from Pittsburgh. Capitalism's got a bit of a soul after all.

The thing I wrote a long time ago.

I wrote this a long time ago (re: January-ish) in response to President Bush's speech about his new plan to increase troop levels in Iraq.

First, he reminds me to be afraid. I want to scream. I want to see the new plan without fear coloring my vision. I want to measure it carefully and logically, but now I’m scared, and not just of terrorists. I’m afraid of being lied to and manipulated.

He is praised for newfound humility. I am skeptical. I long for deeper honesty. The honesty to admit that simple desire, or even seeming necessity, does not make success inevitable. The humility to admit that there are fights that may not be winnable, mistakes that cannot be perfectly fixed. That would be real humility, but we are, for better or worse, a proud people.

Resignation sinks in. I have not enough information. I don’t know how two hundred or twenty thousand more troops will change the fight. I have guesses and suspicions but no real knowledge. So I am left with this new plan that seems not very new at all, and I have no concrete reasons to agree or disagree, only an overwhelming sense of helplessness and unease. And I have sadness, that although our president may bear the responsibility, he will not be among those who bear the costs.

"So, Alix....What are you going to do now?"

I am glad my friend Tiina is back. It changes a lot of things—more than I thought it would. I haven’t seen her much, but already life seems a good deal easier. I’ve been thinking about why that is, and also I’m about to graduate, so of course I’m taking a bit of a retrospective look at the last few years. It’s odd to think about who my friends were when I started college—and even odder to think about who I was then. I’ve changed a lot I think. More than most people realize.

I’ve been doing interviews for a project recently, and I’ve asked a lot of people what it is that they want the most and what they value the most (and a lot of other questions that probably ought to be easy but are instead extraordinarily challenging). It’s fascinating to see how well people know themselves and how they perceive themselves. Sometimes I’ll get an answer and think “wow, that’s great. And it’s so true.” Or something along those lines. And sometimes…well. My guttural response is more like “Really? Who are you kidding?” I forget where I was going with this. Ah yes. This whole experience has got me thinking about what I’ve wanted…and what I’ve chosen to make important in my life.

I used to work on a lot of movies. In case you didn’t know. It wore me out, and I could be a little bitchy, but I loved it. (And I still do—don’t be deceived by my use of the past tense.)

I would find myself finishing a movie, or more likely a series of movies, anxiously awaiting the down time and happy to have a day to rest. And then, halfway through my nice lazy day, I would become horribly depressed. It makes sense really…when priority number one in my life was suddenly gone…how else would I feel? A perpetual cycle of intense occupation followed by existential crisis. What’s the point really?

There is a difference between putting other people first and putting other people’s movies first. It took me a long time and a lot of doctors to realize that. It’s been challenging, especially since I’ve often felt like I’m realizing it by myself. I want to make movies, I want to change the world, I want to be successful, I want to help people, but not so much as I want friends who are family.

I’ve had a lot of different friends come and go in the three and a half years I’ve been here. I wonder what they would all think if they heard my answers to the questions. I could probably put together an interesting timeline.

I don’t think that I used to think about what was important to me. I mean…there were things that were important to me, but I don’t think I consciously chose them. I chose without knowing what I chose or why I chose it. I’m sure I still do it, and maybe it’s not possible to really choose. But it’s nice to try.

As usual, I have ended in a place other than the one I started for. But such is my life.